“No. I’m not going to write him or call him for that matter. I’m just not.
But I’m not.
“People like us.” That’s what he said. He wasn’t being a jerk about it. He didn’t say it in the tone I’ve heard before from others less friendly. “People like us. We don’t –” It was like he was trying to let me down easy. It was funny and I tried hard not to laugh. Of all the people to say this. The man was so competitive you couldn’t hardly say, “Good morning. ” to him without seeing that look. “I can do it better. Whatever you did this morning? I can do it better. ”
But this wasn’t a competition, it was about letting me down easy.
“I’m not going to say goodbye.
For along time, ten years, I thought that was important. That I didn’t get to tell him good bye was important. That he was living his life and we were like some “awkward pause” . All this time I’ve been miserable telling myself that I needed a good bye and that if I’d only…. Maybe it wasn’t that I needed it. Maybe it was that he’d robbed me of the opportunity to score points too. He wanted to keep me from living out loud.”
Both passages are from
The Road Home
26 december, 2009
Ann (original work, all rights owned by the author)
Someone wrote over on my other blog that they didn’t know what I was trying to say. We were talking politics there but I’m pretty sure that she’d say the same here. I’m not trying to be ambiguous and I do have my mind settled. It’s just that the two things are really the same. It just took me along time to figure it out.
There’s a time in our life when sometime we have to leave.
“People like us.”
I looked at him and realized that I didn’t need forgiveness from him.
I needed from myself.
Then I needed to leave and go find home somewhere else.
“People like us.”
The fella who told me this also had me jumping into the water and trying something that frankly I didn’t want to do. It was stupid. He told me that he wouldn’t teach me to sail unless I tried to right a Sunfish. Only I didn’t have to and it turns out that maybe he doesn’t know so much. His words. “I just wanted you to come out of your comfort zone.”
I’ve heard it before. A pop reasoning that thinks that if you tell some hard truth or throw down the guantlet and folk will go climb Mt. Atlas. If you don’t then you aren’t worth your salt. Looking back on that day, I found that I didn’t have a thing to prove and that the whole stupidity didn”t make me better. Not because I was lacking but because it wasn’t my path.
And he was being manipulative.
Not supportive. Not enlightening. A player.
Just like calling him is really a waste of my time.
He was wrong.
And I have nothing to prove.